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experiencia

Diagnóstico

El doctor le dijo que o estaba embarazada o estaba muerta pero embarazada no podía estar porque el cáncer había acabado con el útero hacía dos años y la muerte era, sí, una posibilidad, pero remota.

Para ciertas personas la vida es un acto de fe constante en la realidad de la experiencia.

Le escribió a su hermano y le dijo que quería visitarlo para discutir su funeral pues todo parecía indicar que estaba muerta y quería estar segura de que la ceremonia fuera compatible con su afiliación religiosa y su visión cosmogónica general. Pidió que su hermano le enviara una copia de las palabras que leería para aprobar la redacción y énfasis.

En vida había sido reservada con respecto a su relación con Dios. Pero ahora no tenía sentido preservar las apariencias. Se arrepentía de su vergüenza.

En su carta de despedida para Tatiana le pidió perdón por abandonarla en la mitad del viaje, tanto literal como figuradamente.

El médico la visitaba a diario para reconfirmar el diagnóstico. Quería escribir un artículo al respecto. Tomaba muestras de su cuerpo. Hacía preguntas incómodas. Tocaba sus partes. Abusaba.

No siento nada.

Por las noches, cuando todos se iban, pensaba en las promesas de soledad tras la muerte. Seguro que era mejor que esto. Vivir la mentira.

La diferencia entre la vida y su ausencia es sobre todo perceptible en la intensidad de la luz y su tono.

Con la muerte, la realidad y el tiempo colapsan.

Debe existir una definición precisa de lo que significa partir. El manual estaba plagado de capítulos en blanco.

Más sobre niños narrativos

Hace dos días pensaba esto y hoy leo esto en el blog de Helen DeWitt:

Piaget makes a very good case for the fact that the language, and even the concepts and the thoughts we have as adults, really don’t fit with childhood experience. There is a radical discontinuity between childhood experience and adult experience. We complain of a kind of amnesia, that we don’t recall much of our early childhood, and Freud of course said that this was because we were repressing painful or guilty desires. But Piaget argues this couldn’t be true, because otherwise we would forget only those things that were painful but remember everything else—which is clearly not the case. We have an almost blanket amnesia, and Piaget argues that the terms in which we experienced our childhood are incommensurable with the terms in which we now think as adults. It’s as though it’s an entirely different language we knew and lost. Therefore I feel that any writer who is writing about childhood, as an adult, is bound to falsify experience, but one of the things you try to do is to find poetic approximation; an elusive and impossible task. It is like trying to pick up blobs of mercury with tweezers—you can’t do it. You nevertheless attempt to find various metaphorical ways of surprising that experience. I think you oftentimes feel it’s there, but you can’t get at it, and that’s the archaeology of writing about childhood.

Edmund White

Paseantes

Este ensayo reciente de Morozov conecta los problemas que describí en las últimas dos entradas y ahonda en las consecuencias negativas de la socialización de la red y la tiranía del motor de búsqueda. Aquí se refiere a la automatización de los enlaces:

[F]rictionless sharing has the same drawback as “effortless poetry”: its final products are often intolerable. It’s one thing to find an interesting article and choose to share it with friends. It’s quite another to inundate your friends with everything that passes through your browser or your app, hoping that they will pick something interesting along the way.

Idea: En los noventa surgieron anillos de sitios personales e independientes. Un sistema sencillo interconectaba semialeatoriamente sitios suscritos al anillo. De cierta manera Geocities era una versión monstruosa de esa idea. La primera versión de la Evil List de Sergio (de donde luego se desprendió la Open List) era un anillo de blogs con un pequeño portal para detectar actualizaciones de los miembros. Tal vez un esquema similar, reformulado y repensado para que se adapte al conexto actual, sería una buena manera de promover el vagabundeo en línea no mediado (lo que Morozov llama cyberflâneur) y hacerle frente a la limpieza, uniformización y centralización de la red que impulsan Google y Facebook.

Time heals

I don’t miss him anymore. Most of the time, anyway. I want to. I wish I could but unfortunately, it’s true: time does heal. It will do so whether you like it or not, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. If you’re not careful, time will take away everything you have ever lost, and replace it with knowledge. Time is a machine: it will convert your pain into experience. Raw data will be compiled, will be translated into a more comprehensible language. The individual events of your life will be transmuted into another substance called memory and in the mechanism something will be lost and you will never be able to reverse it, you will never again have the original moment back in the uncategorized, preprocessed state. It will force you to move on and you will not have a choice in the matter.

—Charles Yu, How to live safely in a science fiction universe

Riesgos

¿De verdad está hablando de cachalotes?:

So there is no earthly way of finding out precisely what the whale really looks like. And the only mode in which you can derive even a tolerable idea of his living contour, is by going a whaling yourself; but by so doing, you run no small risk of being eternally stove and sunk by him.

—H. Melville, Moby Dick

The meaning is in the swinging

As I swung gently by my heels in the thick fat fucking breeze of sheer humidity, I had a clear view of the court and could see and hear all that went out there. So this is humankind. Swinging. Backwards and forwards. Swinging through history. These are my people. I am their people too. Crucified upside down by my heels. My Golgotha a chickenyard. Father! Father! Why the fucking shit did you conceive me? You have no meaning. I have no meaning. The meaning is in the swinging. And that is ridiculous. Absurd. Ha! That fucking bitch, my mother, why did you open up to receive him? After that annunciation, that lecherous gleam of his single glittering eye. Did you writhe and shake our history’s shirt front? As now I grind my teething people in a cocoon. Swinging. Swinging in a cocoon of chickenshit. Europe was my head, crammed together with Africa, Asia and America. Squashed and jammed together in my dustbin head. There is no rubbish dump big enough to relieve me of my load. Swinging upside down, threatening to burst the thin roof of my brains. Those years of my travels. Years of innocence and experience. Motherfucking months of twiddling my thumbs with insecurity. In search of my true people. Yes, in search of my true people. But whenever I went I did not find people but caricatures of people who insisted on being taken seriously as people. Perhaps I was on the wrong planet.

In the wrong skin.

Sometimes.

And sometimes all the time. You know. In the wrong skin.

This black skin.

—Dambudzo Marechera, Black Sunlight